uncyclopedia

Rook anunciates Folly, dissects the feeble defence put up by Shabalov. THE EXCITEMENT!

Shabalov could also have moved out the light-squared bishop. But he is a fool. His feeble mind does not see the truth. Areshchenko is already bending him to his twisted purpose; see how he suppresses his manic laughter. Shabalov is being manipulated like the pieces he is playing with. Watch his mind crumble, like overly dry cheese - Areshchenko will probably start eating the crumbs any minute now, then spit them out as a gesture of contempt.

Notice how the hypnotic eyes of his opponent force Shabalov to look away from the board and play without seeing his opponents moves. A serious disadvantage.

He makes a weak move, more feeble than his shattered mind, entering the infamous Damiano Defence. An action only lunatics and cretins would take. Areshchenko smiling now, like a cat who has bitten off the legs of a mouse, and is waiting to see what it will do next. Which is usually not much, as mice without legs are not terribly mobile.

It's very funny, no wait, it's absolutely the funniest thing ever written. check out the articles on Shabalov vs Areshchenko, drugs, chess, or Sergei Rachmaninoff. or, ok, anything else.

Let's see some more highlights:

from chess:
King's Gambit - Sacrifice your King in order to gain an advantage in development. This bears no resemblance to the more successful King's Pawn Gambit.
King's pawn gambit - Sacrifice your King's pawn in order to gain an advantage somehow. Not to be confused with the even more successful King's bishop pawn gambit.
King's bishop pawn gambit - Nobody cares. (click on this -- it's awesome. ev)
Najdorf - Memorize 35 moves of opening theory, and then lose the game in 23 moves after your opponent plays the Sveshnikov, which you forgot to memorize. And yes, it really is pronounced "Nye-dorf".
French Defense - Where you automatically surrender after your opponent's first move.
Spanish Game - Where White checks to make sure Black is Jewish, then persecutes him mercilessly.
....
Israel attack - Try to explain that your opponent’s king belongs to you because God gave it to you some centuries ago, and if he doesn’t want to surrender, use your tanks even if he has only stones to throw at you.
Palestinian attack - Sacrifice all your pieces for the sake of winning one of your opponent's pawns, and refuse any draw offers until no pieces remain on the board.

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four eyes?

the view from Jean's apartment

the view into Jean's apartment. notice her cool green bike.

San Javier, more Wu-Tang, business cards

San Javier and Jean
inside the church

more from the Wu-Tang Manual:

"Power comes from surprising places. The knight, for example, isn't the most obvious power pieces, but it is the most Mathematical. It moves in a right angle of two steps up and one left. It's also close to God because its course traces a number seven on the board. You have to be super careful around the knight. To me, the knight and the rook are the two most dangerous men on the board. If I have my knights and my rooks, I'm still a very formidable foe. "

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"I think marijuana is just nature's way of sayin' 'Hi.'"

-- Method Man

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I had a new idea for business cards. My friend Jean has an attractive, artsy card, and I know I should get one, because people are always asking me at scholastic tournaments and I'm always writing my email on old receipts or torn sheets of paper. So here's my idea: cards that fade to blank after three days. That way, if someone deson't call you in a reasonable time frame, they lost their chance. I'm envisioning a plastic overlay that you remove immediately before giving the card out, and maybe (after the idea takes off), we can provide options-- a 2 week card (for business), a 3 day card for bars.

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word of the day: monetize

you gotta see this

I met this kid tonight. awesomeness. also this.

take a goat in passing

The Wu-tang Manual is absolutely hilarious.

Before we get to the chess, cinema, or drugs section, lets consider some stratagems for confrontation:
1. create something out of nothing
2. advance to Chencang by a hidden path
3. watch the fire burning across the river
4. conceal a dagger in a smile
5. sacrifice plums for peaches
6. take a goat in passing

mountain lions, a new invention

I'm in Tucson visiting my friend Jean. This morning we went for a peaceful walk in Coronado National Forest. On the way in we were handed a neon green warning sheet titled "Problem Mountain Lions." I will reproduce the highlights. (Notice that all italicization is taken from the original)

If mountain lions have always been here, why be so concerned lately?

Because some "problem" mountain lions in Sabino Canyon have recently displayed aberrant behavior that is known to precede attacks on humans. This behavior includes

*active during daylight hours

*unafraid of humans
*stalking humans

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What should I do if I'm attacked by a mountain lion?

*Fight back with whatever you have at hand without turning your back.

*Try to remain standing to protect your head and neck.

Where are mountain lions likely to be?

*Mountain lions may be anywhere, but cliffs and steep slopes are favorite vantage points from which they can easily pounce on prey from above.

*Cats also conceal themselves in brushy areas where they can rush prey then drag their kill back into a protected area.

Why would a mountain lion attack a human?
Cougars are opportunistic predators. It is feared that the problem may NOT discern "animals" from "humans" as prey. Lions are capable of killing large animals, including deer, livestock, bighorn sheep, and elk.

How dangerous are there problem lions?

Extremely. These big cats are solid muscle, can leap up to 20 feet, and outrun deer for short distances. They are excellent climbers and jumpers, and can swim when necessary. They are perfectly camoflaged and often remain unseen until they attack. Nine out of ten humans attacked by mountain lions are children. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN CLOSE AT ALL TIMES!

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A Great Idea Hits Me At Lunch

I had a great idea at lunch, let me give you the background story first. Jean and I once (like 5 years ago) took a massage class together at the Open Center every Monday night for eight weeks. It was very jolly-- we would practice giving each other massages for 1.5 hours, then go out for Thai food, and drink a lot of wine. Of course, each week we had mostly forgotten the previous week's lesson (it went by body part-- the back, the neck, the arms, etc) , and by this point (lunch), both us of combined could only remember one stroke. We were also talking about the ways we expect society to change in the next 10 years (we passed a store that seemed to sell only rubber stamps and laughed), and I mentioned that the Open Center was no longer offering any massage (not even shiatsu!), only foot reflexology. (and I like foot massages) Jean pointed out that we probably only needed to look on the internet and get some notes on basic strokes and we'd be fine.

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And then my idea came to me. I call it The Instructive Massage Glove. The Instructive Massage Glove is a glove you wear while giving someone a massage, but the glove itself gives you feedback: "not so hard," "a little lower." (because who wants to talk when you're trying to relax, right?) The glove has been programmed to know how much pressure most people like in their back massage, and has some program with some information about anatomy, so it knows where muscles, pressure points etc. are.

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like it? I think it would be the perfect present to buy your girlfriend / my boyfriend for Christmas.

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I just read Paul Krugman's book, The Return of Depression Economics. It's good, very readable, in the same populist vein as Freakonomics or Malcolm Gladwell's stuff. Not quite as good, but still interesting: Predictably Irrational (Dan Ariely).

I am seeing a lot of movies lately.

Tonight I saw Slumdog Millionaire. This is the absolute worst movie ever.

It's like a fake movie. It's similar in many ways to a real movie, except the characters are totally flat and the action is predictable and boring. I actively hated everyone in it while watching it.

But here's an interesting NY Times magazine article about Fischer.

check out my friend Keith's photography website

http://www.keithjacoby.com/

let the right one in

You have to see this movie, Let The Right One In. Let's just say it's the absolute finest Scandinavian teenage vampire movie ever. In the above picture, the girl's familiar (seen fleeing, left) was bleeding a trussed up man into a bucket before he was disturbed by two girls walking their giant poodle.

Milk, about the life of Harvey Milk, the first homosexual elected to major public office (City Supervisior in San Fransisco), was also great. Sean Penn is fantastic, and Diego Luna is the only actor I actually have a real crush on.

I saw this photo and I thought, damn, he's really kinda hot.

two things I'd like to comment on this morning, plus my christmas present list.

The first is Dick Cheney's "I'm not sorry about telling Leahy to f**k off /go f**k himself* on the Senate floor because he 'merited' it."

Wow, what a total prick this guy is; it really boggles my mind. You know it's a sign that the guy has no capacity for self criticism / self reflection, when he can't even admit that cursing at a Senator on the Senate floor four years ago was not ideal behavior. Also, I'm pretty sure "f**k off" doesn't even have a real meaning, which makes it, you'd think, hard to "deserve."

Ironically, in the same interview, Cheney blows off Biden's criticisms of his record with the words, "If he wants to diminish the office of the vice president, that's obviously his call."

Also incredible -- Franken expects to win by 30-50 votes?

Nice to see that your one little vote really does matter, I guess.
In other news, a running account of Christmas presents received from students:
1. shiny blue broach
2. box of Mrs. Fields cookies
3. box of fancy chocolates
4. hand cream + travel size shampoo and conditioner
5. a very nice black mini messenger bag! (exactly my style! well done, observant mother!)
6. a small figurette of a snowman that takes batteries gives off lights of changing colors
7. a very fancy silver and purple broach
8. hand cream+ talcum powder

These are easily the best Christmas presents I've ever received. Usually I get a bunch of figurines of swans and some bad Polish chocolate. And the day is only half over.

* apparently it is unclear which he said.

student tactics quiz positions!

Shawn Swindell

1. Shawn Swindell 1496 - Patrick Thomas 1370

White continued with the theoretical 9. Ng5.
a) what's wrong with 9... Qxf6?
b) what's the best move for black instead?

Mitasha Palha

2. Samuel Russell 1322 - Mitasha Palha 973

White played 14.Bd4. What's hilariously wrong with this?

Miguel Garcia

3. Gideon Stebbins 695 -- Miguel Garcia 1569
Miguel didn't play the best move, but he did find the funniest one.

John Paul Garcia with IM Yury Lapshun

4. JP Garcia 1402 - Dylan Austin 832
white to move

Jose Morrero, orange shirt

5. Jose Morrero 1220 - Justin Martinez 1563
Black played 7... Nbd7.
a) what's wrong with that? b) what's the only decent move in this position?

Ameer Williams, left, with Rochelle Ballantyne and Najeebah Williams

6. Ameer Williams 1083 - Tatiana Raevsky 1358
He didn't see it,but what should Ameer (white) have played here?


7. Shin, Philip 1541 -- Ameer Williams 1083
This time Ameer found it! Black to move.

Joel Ogunremi is one of my most talented sixth graders. He learned some valuable endgame lessons in this tournament.

8. Joel Ogunremi 1144 - Brian Jordan 1567

What king and rook set-up should white use to stop the black d pawn? What movie should white make now?

9. Matthew Goldstein UNR - Joel Ogunremi 1133
White just played b4. How should black respond?

Answers will be coming shortly in an article behind this one (I'll back -time it).