Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Anonymous Guest Blogger Reviews Terminator Salvation!

Anton Yelchin

A Critical Review of Terminator Salvation

- Nice haircut, Arnie.
- Nice Batman impression, Bale.
- Nice range, Worthington.
- Nice $200 haircut, cute little sidekick.
- WTF is a cute little sidekick doing in a non-comedy movie?
- Nice homo vampire bait, Kyle Reese.
- Nice ridiculous breaking-down-the-4th-wall homage to Guns & Roses.
- Nice waste of the internal retina read-out for cyborgs- ok, you see someone’s face, you identify them, over and over again, great. (The bit with the motorcycle was cool though.)
- Nice patchwork storytelling. I really appreciated your wasting my time with the bit where Wright breaks out of captivity. Really, really useful. Same for many other scenes.
- Nice hit-me-over-the-head character development. Ok, Marcus is a stand-up guy, we fucking GET IT. Now stop wasting my fucking time and get on with the movie.
- Nice casting: Michael Ironside, WTF? Anton Yelchin, WTF? Cute little sidekick, WTF? Bodacious, scar-free, horny warrior babe, WTF? Luminescent redheaded pregnant wife? You’re just trying to head off National Lampoon at the pass, is that it?
- Michael Ironside *was*, I have to admit, the low-ranking, do-the-dirty-work villain in “Total Recall”, starring… Arnold Schwarzenegger. So that was pretty clever.
- So Connor’s wife is pregnant, eh? Care to make one single fucking comment about that? Ok, we get it, humanity carries on, the stakes are high, blah blah fucking blah. Fucking high-schoolers write this flick?
- Um… prison wardens wear nasty dirty leather, and have food in their teeth, when they’re HUMAN, fuckwits, not when they’re robots. When they’re robots, they are clean, clinical, and unemotional. There’s a genre of books and movies called sci-fi, you should check it out.
- Jarring ripoff: Motorcycle flying overhead: The Matrix, you pathetic hacks.
- Jarring homage: closeup of terminator foot walking up factory stairs. What *ever*.
- Jarring homage: Arnie. But at least you preserved the bad haircut, that really kept me focused on the movie.
- Jarring homage: Guns & Roses. Really?
- Jarring hark back: Linda Hamilton on audio. More than once. Bizarre.
- Jarring ripoff: the people-carrier, from Cruise’s War of the Worlds.
- Jarring repetitiveness: when cyborgs die, their little red light goes out. Show it ONCE OR TWICE ONLY.
- Jarring homage: when Marcus is punched, he does that thing with his face.
- Jarring repetition: When Arnie is punched, he does that thing with his face. Cut & paste much?
- Suggestion: Where art thou, “Bad to the Bone” ? Love that song, it would have *so* made the movie. Maybe it’s in the director’s cut?
- Jarring writing, #1 of 100: Your *first* scene is a *loser* !!! What the hell are you doing with this weird, mismash explanatory scene, and what the hell is Helena B Carter doing in this movie? And what asshat made her wear a cancer-cap? Heavy, heavy-handed. Groan.
- Jarring writing, #5 of 100: Could Marcus Wright do any more primal screaming? Please? It’s so impressive. Spare me the slick robot action, that’s not why I’m here.
- Unbelievably jarring, miscued homage: John Connor says “I’ll be back.” The stench of empty Hollywood suits began to fill the theater. However, this did give me the unexpected gift of true, deep sympathy for Christian Bale.
- Alternative suggestion: Connor says, “I’m Batman.”
- Stupid misuse of potential action budget: Helena Bonham Carter. Surprise, surprise, she appears at the end of the movie also, bookending it. Couldn’t have seen *that* coming. Assholes. (Helena: you’re great, buy yourself something nice with the cash from this piece of shit.)
- Repetition: the final fight scene takes place in a smoky factory. Have never seen that before.. neato!
- Jarring dialog: “His heart is human… and very powerful.” Paging George Lucas, please report to the Dialog Department.

(Readers-- please leave lots of comments! Anonymous people need/love feedback too! thanks, Elizabeth)


Anonymous said...

That movie pained me, for some of the reasons above.... I actually appreciated the Terminator chasing him up the steps - thought that was a classic touch.

But, more critically... you have these two GREAT characters that everyone really wants to see in action, Kyle Reese and John Connor. Instead, I see a movie about some new character, "Marcus", that I utterly fail to care about.

This really could have been cool seeing John and Kyle really fighting robots. They could have thrown in Summer Glau if they wanted a goodguy Terminator sidekick, which would have been a nice touch for those who watched the tv show. Instead we get random love interest for randomly generated main character....

And no comment on the incredible stupidity of the machines? They could kill Kyle, but instead they use him as bait? Why not kill Kyle to change the present, and you can still *pretend* he's alive to trap John Connor if the Future/Present doesn't change.

Robert Pearson said...

Best. Review. Ever. Or at least since some chick described Blow Up as "Sick, sordid and sad." Naw, this is even better!

Serves the main purpose of a film review--another $10 (plus snacks) saved!

Thank you, Ms. Vicary.

Anonymous said...

Great comment - but this is what, the 4th or 5th iteration of the Terminator series?

It is the rare film sequel which is superior - not an original thought but actually when you think of it a logical one. The first film usually takes years to get backing - during that time, the writers and/or directors spend the years perfecting their visions, their plots, and their scripts. The dialog has been rehashed countless times and so usually is sharp, fresh and tight. Then the film hits, and the second film has to be rushed out within 2 or 3 years. Now, there isn't the same amount of time and energy spent on the story, plot, script, dialog, etc., and it shows. So, in an effort to save time and to salvage the money spent, the same plot and ideas which once were so freshed get recycled. So if a sequel is to really work, it either needs a BIG story (e.g. Lord of Rings big) which can carry three or more films or new input and new visions have to be incorporated. G Lucas fell into this trap - had he had other people like Kasdan did with Empire Strikes Back then the other films might not have been critically panned by the fans.

Why do the robots have their brains in their skulls? I can understand the human infiltrator models having eye cameras up in the skull, but why not have their CPUs inside their bodies?

I may have fallen asleep but if Skynet wants to exterminate humanity, why not use more disease weapons. Historically they are the most effective killers of man.

Anonymous said...

The liberal use of profanity in this review is a nice touch. Way to go.

Anonymous said...

yeah, but did you like the movie or not?

Polly said...

LOL. One of the more interesting and colorful movie reviews I've read. I just haven't decided whether this review makes me want to see the movie or save my $13.00 for something else.

Anonymous said...

save your money. the movie was not entertaining, it was just annoying.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Anton Yelchin, am I the only one who thinks it's sad that the makers of the new Star Trek film were able to find an actor from the United Kingdom who can do an authentic Scottish accent to play Scotty, but given an actor who was born in Russia in the role of Chekov still forced him to make an absurd pronunciation error that no native Russian speaker would ever commit?

Polly said...

I saw Up yesterday. That was worth the money. That movie was another one Pixar's animated gems. The 3-D effect is very cool, and it has a nice story line. I love the way they're able to put in sight gags and funny lines aimed towards the adults. There was one points where all the adults are ROFLMAO and the kids are, "What's so funny?"

Anonymous said...

Someone said

"a lot of noise signifying nothing."

Anonymous said...

Looks like anjiaoshi did not get the joke in the Star Trek movie. The Russian character (Yelchin) did not pass the English voice scanner so he had to make the error to pass. Get it? Good.

Anonymous said...

"Up" is dreadful Disney pap. Yuck!

Anonymous said...

Er, no.

The joke is the exact same joke as in TOS: that Chekov mispronounces v as w. (IIRC, the word he mispronounces in the most recent movie is "seven.")

Some Germans (including, occasionally, my father) "overcorrect" in this way -- almost always at the beginning of a word. I've never in my life heard a Russian speaker do it. In their mouths, v is v, and so is w.

Dominique (: said...

Anton Yelchin ..Would get my vote (: x Hes hott rocks

Jamihla Tuli said...

Anton Yelchin did that on purpose as homage to the show. He talked about it with JJ Abrams, there's a whole interview about it.