Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Child’s Plan, for adults to counter (part one)

I only taught English for one year, and I don't miss it, but I found this old extra credit assignment in my mailbox and thought you guys might enjoy it. It's part one of three-- if you like it, I'm happy to post the next two.

This kid was one of my all time favorites: super funny, a huge character, always had something interesting to say. He was also quite good at chess. In his first essay for me, he compared Animal Farm to this book I had lent him about the genocide in Rwanda called I Regret to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families. His thesis was that power is always corrupting, but it's more corrupting when its caught up with issues of identity. Pretty amazing insight for an eighth grader, right?

But this one is just fun:

A Child’s Plan,
for adults to counter
by: (name removed)


Funny thing is that the real reason I’m writing this is for credit of all the homework I’m going to miss writing this for Ms. Vicary my English teacher. Well also I’m writing this to open up the eyes of many adults to show them how hard it was back when they were small themselves. You may be moved by this but no this isn’t enough to truly open up your eyes and have a different view on children. Well lets start with the actual intro to the regular book (if this ever get published).

Actual Intro

In the time of when we all were young learning was a absolute must. We though the young, now take it for granted. There are actually many reasons why we take such a vital thing for granted. It is all the stress and work our brains are going to face. Working at the age of 10 is bad but people really don’t know what it is to work with your brain for twenty two-years or a full education length . Also we must deal with the stress of homework and school during these twenty-two years also . I bet if we put a random adult in school for a week they wouldn’t stand the pressure we face. Honestly the will to learn is completely based upon pressure. Many people say our brains are like sponges but has anyone listen to any person who said that if you pressure the sponge a lot it won’t soak up anything though? Or no one even thought of saying it. Doesn’t everybody see that teachers needs to sometimes need to be more lax on the homework ? Well some people may do but most will not. This malfunction of the sponge can cause serious defects in the child’s early life. Thus I’m here to guide you into raising a child to be normal or at most, a great artisan.

The Plan

Many psychologists have tried to decipher our brains and plan out what we might make for our next move. Few have realized that it takes a child to see a child’s brain. Thus why I’m writing this book. I want to help you out with dealing with your child. I would like to help you with Behavior waves in this part. You will learn how to:
Interpret phases
Deal with phases
Keep your child under control
Use the bottle

A Complete guide to Phases

Life so vivid and full of, you know life. Us children are that way, when small of course. Well that all changes as we complete our metamorphosis into an adult of course. First we go through many phases in order to reach adulthood. Here’s what basically summarizes it.

Dependant phase

When we are little we have to depend on someone, it’s nature. Well sometimes we depend on you too long like when your 50 and you still live in your mommy’s house, awww you big lug. Well there isn’t much to say but the ages it occurs in. Also if you continue to love your children like how you did over six years old you’ve got one spoiled lug who’s going to really on you a lot more than other kids. Ages-0 to 6 “normally”

Independent phase

The best time for you to teach your child how to do things so they could fend for themselves or you’d get you know what (points to dependant phase explanation). Well don’t let them get too independent though, just teach them the basics or they’re going to run around in the street with a knife saying “ Let’s cook you !!”. Honestly that could happen, there’s always a chance of it. Ages- 5-10 ( yes we can experience two phases at once)

Obedient phase

Do you know what’s it like for you to have a mindless robot following your orders ? Well you may not because these robots aren’t real yet or we’d be having robot families instead. Well here we are at our best behavior and we listen to what you. Yeah, we really, we’re like your slaves. I still remember when I was like this ( trauma switch on), I did whatever she said and not even one thank you, she owes me!!!!! (trauma switch off) Ages- 6-8

“Normal” phase

By normal I mean stable like others. Not too obedient, and not to rebellious just normal. This can happen at any time unless “that” has been used and if we’re having a tough time right now. Here’s a example of it to help you out.
Son: “Mommy, can you buy me this ?”
Mom: “Son what is that!!!”
Son: “Just a plastic gun that’s all.”
Mom:“Put it back now”
Son: “Alright mommy”.
+ 5 years Son: “Hey mom I’m going to the movies l.
”Mom: “ Alright be home on time though”
3 hrs later
Son: “I’m back”
Mom: “Son I thought you’d be back on time.”
Son: “The trains were damaged mom watch the news.” Ages 5- death ( five because we start to use our brains then)

Rebellious phase

Think of this, boiling, hot, sweaty, rage, what your going to be feeling when you experience this with your child. God you’re in for a ride. When we’re rebellious we don’t listen to what you say, we don’t do our homework, we don’t do anything you say basically. Honestly the worse situation to ever be in. Especially if you have a girl, they are the most feisty and have the longest phase. It can last for over five years or even when they’re adults. There are many examples of this and the all too known spoiled, Paris H. (Hey u can’t sue me because I could me any other Paris H. like Paris Hamburg). Ages-13-14

Stupid rebellious phase

A amplified version. This time it effects our decisions and our brains. We become totally mindless things that go around doing stupid things and still not listening to what advice we get. A great example is my stupid big sister. My mom gives her a curfew, she breaks it. My mom tells my sister to stop going to someone’s house, sh goes. My dad yells at her for going out and tells her not to do it during school nights, she still does. In the end she makes me angry, my mom angry, my dad angry, and she gets herself in trouble, great isn’t it? Well here is basically were the line ends. If you survive this we won’t be as much trouble. It’s been known for girls to have it longer though but boys to become much more stupid during this phase. The reason, we dumb down because we tend to get much more interested in girls and do whatever they say. Aye... Such stupidity.Ages-14-18

Dealing with phases and constant fuss

How to deal with these phases ? Why would I write tha... oh I’m righting a book on children’s brains. Well it’s going to be easier with the help of it, just follow step by phase.

Dealing with:

Dependent phase:
Here just nourish them with love and build a foundation of trust, love, and joy. Just don’t over do it and stop when the child’s at six or five because(points to dependent phase explanation). Also it’s good to start early and prepare for the storm ahead. (Points to hurricane)

Independent phase:
Same thing, you could let them become independent but just don’t over do it. Honestly If you let someone be independent for too long you could become misanthropic and despise friendship, love and all that stuff. So teach them things and don’t you dare let them out of sight because you know what could happen.(points to child running wild in the street with a knife)

Obedient phase:
Eh it’s pretty simple just have them do what’s good for your relationship by forcing the child to memorize a the things you did for them and to shed love on them too. Also, careful your child could hate you if you make them do something embarrassing. Trust me, I was used once in this case. (Trauma switch on) My sister, stealing money from me, all those Gunplas I could have bought (T-T). (Trauma switch off and yes a face)

Rebellious phase:
The hardest to deal with. You must keep check of the way your child acts to realize when the phase has come. Well you basically keep your cool in this phase but don’t make too cool or your going to run out of energy for the stupid rebellious phase. Well all you have to do is out smart the child and hope that the stupid rebellious phase never comes. Also, hide this book so you don’t get pummeled by the attacks the child may plan for you like:
RK: “Mom, Dad am I that hard to keep up with huh? That hard that you need a book. I don’t do bad things, you just annoy me so much. Go read your stupid book.”
Honestly that would hurt if actually said to your honey muffin child which spoiled. Just be careful.

Stupid rebellious phase:
Utterly stupid, that’s all I have to say. For you and the child you raised. With my advice you shouldn’t even be in this mess if you haven’t done something wrong. Well I guess I’m going to have to tell you how to manage through this mess or I’m going to give you a painful medicine for your child. (Points to bottle) Well first off, you have to tame us. Do this over the summer, all you have to do is ground the stupid idiot. Don’t let them out of your sight and if they get violent just restrain the kid. Don’t beat them, it’s for that. ( points to bottle) Same thing in the rebellion phase, out smart them but this time ten fold. You must also establish respect. Without that your dead. Here’s a example how to establish it.

How to establish respect:
Be really good at sports (I’m working on it)
Stay calm when in arguments (I can already do that)
Don’t ever hit anyone (The bottle may be used)
Be nice to your child sometimes (This problem wouldn’t even start)
Have a similar hobby that your better than them at (for me RTSG) Well that’s it I guess. If you need help with anything not written in the book, please email me at to be helped with. I have a even harsher personality in real life so don’t waste my time or your going to get a harsh message.

The Bottle
Do you honestly want to know about the bottle ? Well let me show you it. (Grabs bottle and show you it)SHOCKZ THERAPY OINTMENT
/ T \


MISANTHROPIC BEHAVIOR (You know I hate everything)
RESENTMENT (They don’t like you for sure)
HATRED (There’s a huge difference)

SEVERE SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT CHANGES(ME)That covers it. Now you read the bottle, would you use it. If you are then read the instructions.

Apply directly to brain
Give a dose of anger everyday for a month

Anger dose chart
Rebellious- 2 times as powerful as the child’s own anger
Stupid rebellious- 4 times as powerful as the child’s anger

Warning do not use on other children who are perfectly ok. Use the eldest as a example or if you only have one don’t carry on the anger on to your loved one.


Paul McCormick said...

Wow, that kid is amazing. A 21st-century Holden Caulfield.

Mark Ginsburg said...

Spank everyone and everything keeping in mind "spare the rod and spoil the child." Also no second helpings of gruel.

Anonymous said...

Complete nonsense.

Anonymous said...

I just chain my kids to the furnace.

Anonymous said...

Is posting this legal? Doesn't this bright kid own the copyright?


Anonymous said...

Kapalik -

Is your post serious? Don't you have anything better and more mature to do?

Elizabeth Vicary said...

I think he would only sue me if he was in the stupid rebellious phase